'H' is for Holy Crap

On my way to Tatooine
I met a Jedi, little and green.
Though old did he look, his senses were keen
as he used the Force to raise my sunken x-Wing.
As he lifted my ship high in the sky
in a solemn voice he said, “do or do not, there is no try”

I’d say an epic poem is better than a card, wouldn’t you?

Dr. Seuss - The Epic

Collabartively written by Liz (alderaantimesalderaanplaces)  and Emily (imbennyhesthejets) in Spring 2006 as part of an epic poem assignment for our mythology class. It was written at 1 in the morning on the day the assignment was due. We got the only perfect score. Boo. Yah.

Oh great, large bonneted Cat in the Hat, we invoke upon you to sing a song of sixpence and a pocket full of rye. Tell the tale of how the great, green, grouchy Grinch, Prince of Greenland, overcame the evils of conformity, communism, anthrax, and the stupid name of the tree-hugging, fuzzy-butted Lorax. Sing of his splendiferous braverisms and the defeat of the truly wicked star-bellied Sneetches with the aid of the 500th hat of Bartholomew and his marvelous chainsaw of gold.

Young Marco was strolling down Mulberry Street on his way to school and taking in a magnificent parade, when the grouchy-green Grinch and wide-girthed Horton stopped to see the parade. Marco had been doing the very same thing when the Grinch rolled into town some years ago. He had just left home to come live on Mulberry Street. The only reminder he had of his homeland was his best friend, Max the dog, who accompanied him on his journey. Young Marco marveled at the sight of the tall green grump and enormous white elephant hanging out. It was even better than the parade!

Now, a parade is a very special event, and unless you talk to Marco, you know they do not occur on Mulberry Street very often. This particular parade was in celebration of a fortnight’s peace with the tree-hugging Lorax. Mulberry Street had been plagued with “Why can’t we all be equal?” protests and environmental marches put on by the Lorax. It was his goal to reduce the town to brainwashed yuppies so that he could easily conquer them, and destroy the town, and put a forest in its place. The townspeople did not know this parade would not be as peaceful as they thought it would be. The Lorax had come in the night and seasoned all of the burgers at the vender carts with anthrax. Anyone who munched a hamburger would die of cardiac arrest. The evil Lorax figured if he could not get them through their brains, he would succeed through the stomach. Unfortunately for Horton, he always had a weakness for hamburgers. He stopped at a cart and downed his burger and the Grinch’s in one bite. The Grinch rolled his eyes and the two continued on their way.

Suddenly, the Grinch could not feel Horton’s bulky presence behind him anymore. Breathing hard and clutching his chest, wide-girthed Horton had stopped in his tracks:

I do not mean to cause alarm

But I think I have caused myself some harm.

I do believe my heart is stopping.

Yes, I feel my blood pressure dropping.

If I am not mistaken, that burger was laced.

I thought it had a funny taste.

I think, dear friend,

This heart attack will be my end.

The Grinch’s eyes bugged out, and he went into quite a panic. He searched his pockets for anything to help his large friend and bellowed for help. However, no one took notice because many of them were dealing with their own heart attacks. Helplessly,

the reformed grouch exclaimed:

Oh snap, what now?

If only you hadn’t eaten that cow!

That was a silly thing to do.

Now, how am I going to save you?

I wish I could relieve your gaspin’,

But it seems I have misplaced my aspirin.

Oh, I feel so useless!

I cannot help a friend in distress.

All I can do is stand by

And watch you die.

Portly Horton smiled weakly and wheezed:

My dear friend, I do not blame you,

For dying is something everyone must do.

If you wish to honor me in death,

Do not speak and save your breath.

Do not blame yourself for this blunder.

I cannot stand to see anyone suffer.

Wait! What is that I hear?

There are many voices singing in my ear!

I am hearing the voices of whos and whats and whens and wheres!

And thises and thatses and thoses and theres!

And woobers and goobers and Maroon 5 and thingies!

And do-dads and me-maws and shoe-flies and dingies!

I can hear a whose-a-ma-whats-it and a what-cha-ma-call-it.

I can hear a thing-a-ma-jig and a clue to who’s done it.

I hear all of these things and their message is clear.

They have come to tell me that my time is done here.

Horton died there on the sidewalk as the Grinch stood by, powerless to help.

The people of Mulberry Street knew who was behind the anthrax attack, and decided it was time to stop fighting the Lorax and just give in before more people died. The Grinch, on the other hand, thought Lorax was a ridiculously stupid name and was never much of a conformist to begin with.

Do you believe the power of this fellow

He chuckled to Max one day:

He had pretty amazing skills for someone who’s yellow.

He’s a coward and a louse;

He looks like a big, ugly mouse!

I refuse to go with his plan;

I am my own man!

The Grinch began trying to undermine the Lorax’s plans. This only enraged the Lorax, and everyone knows that is a wicked bad thing. The Lorax decided to get back at the Grinch and get rid of the only friend he had left in the world. He put anthrax in Max’s kibble one evening while the Grinch was away from home. Of course, when Max ate it, he had a heart attack and the Grinch was unable to save him. Like cough syrup leaves a nasty aftertaste in your mouth, so did the tears that flowed into the Grinch’s mouth over the death of Max. The green-genius Grinch figured he knew who was to blame:

I will find out who did this evil work.

I bet it was that Lorax jerk.

I will avenge you, rest assured;

Your place in heaven will be secured.

I will kill him for what he had done;

Little does he know it, but his time has come.

He has taken something precious to me,

So I will cut down one of his beloved trees.

The Grinch left Mulberry Street in search of the Lorax. It was a rainy day, a day when no one would go out to play. He trudged miserably through the mud, mourning Max for miles. He had no idea where to even begin looking for the crafty Lorax, and things were starting to look hopeless. But then, the rain lifted a bit and the grizzled green grump could make out a house in the distance. That was the house of Sally and her brother, and they were more than willing to help the Grinch in his quest to defeat the Lorax. They told him to go to Yertle the Turtle, for he was the wisest prophet in all the land.

So the Grinch set out again. He made his way to the turtle hangout and decided to look for the oldest turtle because that would probably be his prophet. About the sixth turtle into his search, he realized that all of the turtles looked old, and if he continued with this plan, the Lorax would die of old age before he even found Yertle.

He got fed up and asked a random turtle for help (which is pretty amazing, considering most males refuse to ask for directions). The turtle said Yertle could be found at the top of a pile. After tripping over and apologizing to too many turtles, the Grinch located the stack. He started to climb it only to slide back down. He tried several times to get to the top, until he got fed up.

If I cannot bring myself to Yertle

He muttered:

Then I will bring myself a turtle.

And so he yanked a turtle from the bottom of the pile, causing the entire stack to topple over. He cried out for Yertle, and he heard a muffled response. He dug through turtles until he found the prophet. After apologizing for spilling him from his roost, the Grinch explained his situation to Yertle and asked for his wisdom.

Yertle replied:

Here is what you must do:

Go to the underworld and visit Bartholomew.

To achieve this goal,

You must tunnel like a mole.

When the underworld at last you reach,

There is a gate you must breach.

Once you get past that,

Ask many-hatted Bartholomew for his hat.

The Grinch went on his way and started his journey to the underworld. He reached the gate and hopped the fence. He wandered for what seemed like ages until he spotted a lad with a bright red cap sitting on a rock.

I do hope you are Bartholomew,

Because I have a favor to ask of you.

I am the Grinch,

And I will be out of your hair in a pinch.

And the Grinch went on to explain what Yertle had told him to do. Bartholomew understood the Grinch’s problem and was more than willing to help. He gave the Grinch his 500th hat and explained that when the time came, he would be able to pull a weapon out of the hat which would help him get past the Lorax’s army of star-bellied Sneetches and defeat the Lorax. The great-green guy thanked Bartholomew for his help and set off to find the Truffula Forest, the home of his arch nemesis.

When the Grinch caught sight of the Sneetch encampment, he lost faith. There were so many, he knew he would never be able to take them all by himself; he would need some serious help.

Then he remembered Bartholomew’s words and yanked the 500th hat off his head. Desperately, he reached inside Bartholomew’s hat and felt around. A light saber emerged first, followed by Luke Skywalker. The grouchy-green guy exclaimed:

Who are you? I do not know.

You do not belong here. You are not from this show.

It was obvious from the stranger’s outfit that he would be no use in a fight, even if he did have one of those neato beato batons from Disney’s Electric Parade, so the Grinch sent him on his way.

Then the Grinch reached back into the hat and prayed for a real weapon against the Sneetches. His prayers were answered in the form of the now legendary golden chainsaw. He

marveled at the beauty of the weapon and saw a disclaimer printed on the side:

Do not even attempt to operate if your heart has not grown three sizes and you do not have the strength of ten grinches plus two. It would be a waste of your time and mine, so put this back where you found it and mosey along.

The Grinch smiled to himself and gripped the handle of the chainsaw. He had never found a weapon tailor-made for him before.

The grumpy-green Grinch approached the star-bellied Sneetch encampment with golden chainsaw in hand. He pulled the starter and felt the power surge through his miracle weapon. He knew the Lorax was never, and nothing would stop him from getting his revenge. Fueled by his rage over Max’s death, the Grinch began to attack. Like the sticky, green oobleck flowed freely from the sky during the reign of King Derwin, so the blood flowed freely from the mouth and stomach of any star-bellied Sneetch who tried to get in the Grinch’s way and stop him from reaching the Lorax.

With a menacing snarl distorting his grandly green features, the Grinch stalked toward his nemesis. He glowered at the fiend before him, his knuckles bone white though his fur from gripping the handle of the chainsaw. He rumbled:

Your evil deeds are done you vile fuzz ball.

Your reign has ended; it is your turn to fall.

For all of the crimes you have done,

I will make sure you no longer see the sun.

I will stop your breath as you have done to my friend.

We have all had enough; your evils must end.

For your conformity and communism and spreading anthrax,

And ugly trees and stupid name and for killing Max,

Your time has come. I shall kill you this day.

With this mighty golden chainsaw, I will take your breath away!

The Grinch yanked on the starter and the golden chainsaw roared to life. He swung at his foe, but the Lorax leapt on top of a tiny tree. The great-green Grinch sliced the tree with the precision of a knife from those Miracle Blade infomercials. The Lorax fell from the tree and landed nimbly on the ground. Again, the grand-green Grinch lashed out and the Lorax evaded his attack.

This cat and mouse game could have continued throughout the Truffula Forest, but fortunately for the Grinch, the wall separating the Yooks and the Zooks from erupting into a Butter Battle to end all Buttle Battles ran through the forest. The Grinch cornered his foe and with one great heave of the golden chainsaw, fatally sliced the fuzzy-butted Lorax.

Blood from the wound spurted all over the Grinch, and the Lorax collapsed to the ground gagging. Like finding a wocket in your pocket causes you to feel slightly strange, so did the Grinch feel when his archenemy’s blood soaked through his fur to his skin. His limbs started to feel heavy, and his head started to dully throb. He stumbled against the wall between the Yooks and the Zooks and slid to the grass.

The tree-hugging Lorax gurgled:

Ha ha. It is easy to see,

You have gotten me.

What is not so easy to view,

Is I, in return, have gotten you.

Your punishment for spilling my blood

Will be to die, like me, here in the mud.

With this, the evil, anthrax-spreading Lorax died.

The grumpy-green Grinch’s breathing slowed, and his eyes were filled with a glorious light. Through the blinding glow, he could see a figure approaching. As the individual drew near, the Grinch could start to make out the familiar features of all-knowing Sam I Am. In the god’s hands was a platter of green eggs and ham.

Then Sam I Am spoke:

Well, Grinch, you should be commended.

Thanks to you, the Lorax’s evil reign has ended.

You have been forgiven for your sins from before.

You have repaid your debt and even more.

Eat these green eggs and ham,

And you will be immortal like I am.

You may not like them, we shall see.

Personally, I think they fit you to a T.

With your peculiar hue,

They seem to suit you.

The great-green prince took the dish from Sam I Am and hesitantly took a bite of his green meal. He swallowed and proceeded to gulp down the rest of the plate. He smiled up at his omniscient host and replied:

I do like green eggs and ham.

I do. I like them Sam I Am.

With this the Grinch became an immortal like Sam I Am, Fox in Sox, the weird guy from Oh the Places You’ll Go, and the other guy who sat on a cactus from Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?. He was placed amongst the constellations as a series of black holes.

Young Marco rushed home to tell his father of all he had seen. He marveled at his story and could not help exclaiming to himself, “And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street!”